Journal of Amicula - KEEP OUT!

[itches]

When darkness does come
None will survive
For fearsome of the few
Who wear death as a shadow

[itches]

Well, here I am. On a train. To Jalis and some crappy boarding school. I still can't believe my parents are actually making me do this, just because they can't get a grip on me now. Yeah I'm a freak, but I was a freak before that night. Ugh. My mind is all over the place; maybe I better start from the beginning.

Where did it all start? Well I guess that would be with Jordan. Jordan - my one true love. Back when I was still Larissa that is, Miss Avinger. I sometimes wonder what he would make of me now, if he would still love me or if what I am would make him abandon me like everyone else has. Then again, he already abandoned me, didn't he? He was just the first to do so.

I'm drifting again - the point was me and Jordan. We were in love, and we were together. It was like we were made for each other. His family was rich enough that 'mommy' and 'daddy' liked him. He always made a good impression too, not because he was trying to please them with some fake crap, it's just because that's how he was. People just liked him for who he was.

I know this sounds really corny, like some stupid cheap romance, but when I met him it was like I found a part of myself that was missing. A part that I never knew was missing until he came into my life. Every moment we spent together felt like an eternity, and even when we were apart just the thought of him would make me whole.

I knew when I held his hand, kissed his lips, smelled his scent that everything was perfect, exactly how it was meant to be, and nothing would ever be able to take it away from us.

But then something did. Some stupid idiot, without enough brains to slow down. Taken away from me for no more reason then some low-life piece of shit trying to see how fast he could take a corner. Jordan was literally ripped from my hands when the car slammed into him. He was standing closest to the curb as he always did, making some stupid joke about saving me from runaway vehicles. I used to think it was funny; it doesn't seem that way now.

I held him as he died, arms holding him tight, helpless to stop the flow of blood, unable to stop my perfect life from slipping. It all slid between my fingers - my future, my hopes and dreams, everything that was right and just in the world disappearing into that widening pool of crimson. I was crying, but he just had this look of shock, of disbelief, as if unable to comprehend what was happening.

My life went downhill from that point. I think that deep down inside, I still have his blood on me.

[itches]

Some people really shit me. If you hear someone crying behind a closed door, how about you don't decide to take a look. There's probably a good reason that the door was closed! So very typical of my life.

As I was, after Jordan died everything in life went to hell, or it could have been that I just noticed for the first time how crap everything was. I got sick of putting on a fake happy face, and decided to take one lesson from Jordan - just be myself without trying to please others. It didn't quite work out the same way for me.

I called myself Amicula after that, a name better then what I had in my old life - not that mom and dad ever called me it. I think I was a little bit self destructive at first, without being obvious about it. Stupid stuff like not looking before I crossed the street, trying drugs where before I wouldn't go near the stuff, and some other things. There's not really any way to say this without me sounding like an absolute slut, but I also tried to fill in the void that Jordan had left behind. Physically.

I really don't feel like going into detail on paper, I still remember everything about that month. Some of it wasn't so bad, some parts of it were actually good and came close to filling in the gaping wound - at least for a few hours. But then some of it ... it's not really worth getting into.

This went on for about a month, and then the nightmare first occurred.

[itches]

Flesh split, blood flows.
Innocence lost, that was never gained.
Wilt and die, its beauty stolen
And scarred only on the inside.

[itches]

The nightmare.

I don't know whether that refers to the dream or what I woke up to. It describes both equally well. It's strange really that I don't remember anymore what the dream was about. Or maybe I do, and it just matched the waking world so well that I slipped from one to the other without noticing it.

When I awoke it felt like I had lost control of my body. Like my hands were stretching out and touching everything in the room, but at the same time they were numb and I couldn't feel them. Damnit, it's hard enough to describe what using my powers is like normally, let alone the night when they first showed up. Every time I think I've got the right words it ends up being totally wrong.

I think that's why I'm forcing myself to write this, that if I can put it into definable words, have it described by ink on paper then I'll have gained some measure of control over it, maybe even a little understanding. Or it could just be I'm a stupid bitch who likes wallowing in her own misery too much to deserve going on living.

It was like I had extra arms which were completely numb so that I couldn't feel them. Yet despite this they were there, moving about and incredibly strong. And the night they turned up, they were out of control. I thought about my lamp, and it floated across in front of my face. I looked across the room to where my heavy chair was sitting at my desk, and suddenly it flew up to smash into the ceiling.

The entire room was lit up by this blue light that seemed to be coming from nowhere and I was half screaming, half sobbing in fear. I don't think I've ever been so terrified or felt so helpless before in my life. If I have anything to do with it, I won't be ever again.

Even as I write this down it seems dumb, screaming and crying like a stupid little girl over something so petty. Maybe I've grown numb to the horror of my powers after that night, a sort of emotional callus. Would that mean that emotionally I'm a cripple? It would be about right, an emotional cripple and freak of nature all rolled into one.

It was right about the time that my doll collection - dolls I burnt the next day - started moving towards me in some sick mockery of sympathy that my parents showed up. I don't know whether it was my screaming or the sound of furniture being destroyed that roused them, but suddenly there they were in the doorway.

Then the shit really hit the fan. I was suddenly assaulted by - I'm not sure what to call it - waves of feelings, thoughts, and scattered images. I couldn't understand most of them, but a few managed to penetrate the fog. There was shock, a mix of fear and then quite clearly there was concern.

I didn't work it out until a few days later when I had calmed down and thought things through a bit more, but I must have been tapping into their thoughts and emotions. It's quite a shock to suddenly, in your most desperate moment of need, discover what your parents really think.

That 'concern' I felt is what really sticks in my mind. It came from my father, that much I know, but it wasn't directed at me. Oh no, dear old dad wasn't concerned about his daughter who was in obvious trouble. He mind immediately began to hope that his business partners didn't find out. What a father - "my daughter is having a fit; I hope it doesn't effect my stock price." The bastard.

After that I kept getting more and more thoughts, memories and I don't know what else. It started to feel like I was drowning in them I suppose is the best way to put it. They were overwhelming; I literally couldn't hear my own thoughts because of the noise. The sheer weight of all that pure thought was pushing me down, not even letting me struggle to get a breath of air, a staggeringly needed moments of peace.

And then, then it stopped. I got one crystal clear vision of myself through my parents’ eyes. Sitting up, the bed clothes grasped in my hands. A doll and a book hovering on either side of me while my hair swayed in a phantom wind. But most disturbingly was the eerie blue light that shone from my eyes.

It lasted only a moment until it was shattered by a searing pain that ran through my head. The pain is - was beyond words. It was like my head was about to explode into fiery pieces of brain.

I don't know what happened next, everything just suddenly got dark, and quiet. I might - I think I blacked out.

[itches]

Addicted to the feelings of pain
That pull and pulse throughout my vein
Lost in the world of fear
Forever torn from the ones so near

[itches]

Just a quick note now, I’ll fill in more detail later. I’m at the school (prison) and it hasn’t managed to completely suck yet. I’m sharing a room with a girl called Robyn who's from Novtopia. Apparently they decided to stick us foreigners in together. She speaks Jali almost as well as I speak Novtopi, so I suppose it isn't so bad. Her accent isn't annoying at least.

I've taken a look at all my classes and none of them seem to suck, which just means that I haven’t found out which ones do, and who the bitches in the school are. I'm willing to wait to find out. I don't have a lot of time here, so I'll go into more detail soon.

[itches]

Okay, so I suck at writing in here on a regular basis. It's my diary, no one else reads it, so I don't care that it's been a few weeks.

The Novitopian girl I've been roomed with - Robyn - is on the swim team and I've discovered that they get up before dawn every day for training. Robyn apparently doesn't know to get ready in silence, so I've had to joy (ha! sarcasm!) of being woken up at an ungodly hour every morning.

Looking on the plus side it means I actually have some time in privacy, enough so that I actually have a chance to write in this thing. I've spent most of my time hanging out with Robyn who is cool enough considering she's a swimming freak and constantly seems unnaturally cheerful - I swear she's doing drugs.

I have met a couple of other people from my classes. One is Meg, she's a bitch but fun to hang out with. She invited me to this party on the weekend and I'm not sure whether I'm going to go or not. Normally I wouldn't associate with the humans because large groupings of them tend to be a bad thing, but I'm tempted to.

The reason is Johnny Anderson. He sits in front of me in history and is so cute it's almost criminal. Dark soulful eyes, long tangled hair, a fucking cool jacket and an arse to die for. Mmmm but I love a guy who can wear mascara.

If I can con him into being at the party then maybe I'll show up, with him there I might be able to have some fun. A little flirting on my part should be enough to seize the opportunity as it comes up.

[itches]

I tried to subtly ask Meg about Johnny today and she worked it out. Not cool, but her boyfriend knows him so he'll definitely be at the party. Yay!

I actually made contact with him today. He asked me if he could borrow a red pen. I was so busy looking at his eyes that I almost forgot to answer! Very cute.

[itches]

Someone finally asked me about my sunglasses. It had taken so long that I allowed myself to hope that no one ever would, that everyone would just think that it's a personal quirk of mine and leave me alone. I should have known better.

It was Meg funnily enough who brought it up, telling me that wearing them all the time made me look stupid. She made it sound like she was just being a friend and giving me advice, but I know when someone is dissing me. We were fine making fun of other people, why did she have to focus on me all of a sudden?

I mean yes wearing them all the time, everywhere is very weird. But damnit I have a good reason! If I loose control and my eyes glow ... being made fun of because of my shades will be nothing in comparison. Pity I can't tell anyone.

It's not fair. But I already know that life is never fair, don't I?

I mumbled something about 'eyes sensitive to light' and saw Robyn so I went and hung out with her for the rest of the day. I've been neglecting her recently, and if we're going to have to share a room it's kinda important that we get along. She's not too bad really, apart from being bland and preppy.

Anyway, the party is tonight and I'm sure that a little time with Johnny will cheer me up.

[itches]

Meg is a fucking bitch and I hope she dies!

[itches]

I suppose I should write what happened at the party, for venting purposes if nothing else. Considering it started off so well by the end I can't believe how shit things got.

When I got there Meg and her boyfriend were already drinking and Johnny was hanging out with them. I was dressed slutty and quickly got Johnny's attention. I was flirting and he was digging me - actually he may have just been digging the fact that I was practically falling out of my top so much cleaving was showing, but that's good enough for me - so everything was going according to plan.

The night went on, the music was decent if not good, alcohol was consumed and eventually couples started 'disappearing' to private rooms. Meg's boyfriend was totally drunk with Meg herself only a little behind. Johnny had restrained himself so that he was just a bit tipsy and I apparently I was the only one smart enough to not touch the stuff.

I had Johnny practically eating out of my hand, he wanted me and I knew it. I wanted him too but I knew I shouldn't overplay that so when I had him all worked up I left to use the toilet without saying anything to him. He was supposed to miss me and want me even more by the time I got back. Supposed to.

When I got back they were all gone. At first I didn't think it was such a big deal, maybe they had gone to get more drink or something. So I wondered around looking for them for them and it wasn't long before I did find something. Meg and Johnny to be exact. Naked, on a bed, fucking.

That goddamned whore! She knew that I liked him and what does she do the first moment I turn my back? She knew I liked him, I told her so plus I had been flirting with him all damn night. I thought she was my friend, but I really should have known better. People are idiots, I've learnt that the hard way but I dropped my guard. Never again, I hate everyone.

They didn't see me so I left without saying anything and found Meg's boyfriend looking for her. He wasn't having any luck considering how drunk he was, so I decided to give him a hand. I dragged him off to some privacy and fucked the shit out of him. The bitch deserved it.

After that I came back to my room and cried myself to sleep.

[itches]

Red Rose so bright
Dripping blood in the night
Thorns cutting through the skin
Petals shorn in the wind.

[itches]

As of now I'm off boys. I've written it down, it's official, no more boys. They're way more trouble then they're worth; I must have found the only decent one in Jordan.

It's been a week since I fucked her boyfriend and I think Meg knows, but I'm not sure as I can't exactly just ask her. What I do know is that we're not 'friends' anymore - because I'd want to be friends with a slut like her - as her and the crowd of idiots she hangs out with have decided I'm fun to make shit with.

She's been trying to spread some real nasty rumours about me, making fun of the way I dress, making snide comments behind my back but loud enough for me to hear and shit like that. Yeah I wear a lot of black, it's because I have some decent taste in clothing! I'd make fun of what she wears but cunningly she stopped me by barely wearing anything! Fucking pink slut.

They've also been making fun of my wearing sunglasses everywhere, she was making comments about them before but she's giving me almost non-stop shit about it which really burns as I can't even explain it to them. Johnny's been taking part too, all guys are bastards. But ridicule like this is nothing compared what would happen if I lost control and went all eye-glowy around them. Not a pleasant thought but enough to that's the reality of a freak like me.

Sometimes I just feel like just telling everyone so I don't have to keep being paranoid and hiding like this, thinking that it can't be any worse. Then I come to my senses, people fucking suck. My parents - people who are supposed to love and protect me no matter what - knew and sent me off to the other side of the world because of it. I have nightmares enough about what everyone else would do.

One good thing has come out of the whole thing and that's Robyn. She found my crying and has been hanging out with me more then usual just to make sure I'm alright. And she never asked or pressed me on what happened, despite the fact that she probably had heard some of the rumours. I think I've found a real friend in her, if she hadn't been there for me I don't know what I would have done (killed myself probably).

If she would get some fashion sense, tone down the annoying cheerfulness and stop getting up so damned early she'd be near the perfect roommate.

[itches]

Nightmare, first one since I arrived at school - a little over a month - so they're not happening as often. Maybe the change of scenery and getting away from where it all happened is doing me some good?

There wasn't much damage done - just a broken lamp that I’ll claim I knocked over - and Robyn didn't wake up from it thank god. It had been so long since I last had a nightmare that I didn't even consider what having roommate would mean for it. They tend to get scary and out of control, how am I going to explain that? I can't even begin to think up a reasonable excuse. Maybe I should start seeing if I can get a solo room, if I guilt the 'father figure' enough he might be able to pull some strings for me. I do like rooming with Robyn, I'd miss having her around but ... I don't know.

All of that is not the problem right now. Right now it's 3am and I don't want to go back to sleep and risk another one. I have an essay we were yesterday by Kanrik on 'the rise and fall of the loom as a clothing manufacturer'. It's idiotic and pointless; every time I try to start writing it I can actually feel myself growing stupider. Could be that was the point, then Kanrik won't feel the shame of teaching a class smarter then he in. Then again I've known furslimes that are smarter then him.

Bitching aside I suppose it needs to be done, and it's either that or go back to sleep and another nightmare would be too much right now. Maybe it will help me forget it, something I'd very much like to do.

[itches]

So dawns the wrath red day
upon fields of the sky
Below we mortals gaze and pray
yearning to turn and fly
The blood birthed day shall know no peace
for its name is pain
We broken men hope for release
but all shall be in vain

Swords held high we hear the call
Fear deep in our hearts
As battle nears we do stand tall
Prepared to do our parts
Mortal wounds we will not heed
Tho' many say we must
Proud are we who freely bleed
For our fight is just!

[itches]

Today is a good day.

I was in history when Meg started making more bitchy comments about me and I'd had enough, so I confronted her ... with my fist. Crude but surprisingly satisfying. After that all sorts of facts accidentally came out, like the fact that she and her boyfriend were both cheating on each other. Oops :). They broke up and now there seems to be some new gossip going around.

A pretty good start to a day which just kept on getting getter. Apparently some first years were working with a bunch of Dewdops, they got out of control and started breeding. There were literally thousands of them by lunch, they'd practically taken over the school so we were all given the rest of the day off while the school dealt with it - hence a middle of the day journal entry. No one seems sure whether or not to give the kids shit for not being able to handle Dewdops or thank them for giving us a half day.

Robyn still had to do some training - something to do with her having a swimming scholarship - but after she finishes we're going to go catch that The Pirates of Pelagus with Johnny Kepp movie that came out recently. While she's doing that I've got algebra homework I should be doing and I selflessly volunteered to work on it down at the pool - also known as Land of the Scantily Clad and Very Fit - while waiting for her.

The sacrifices I make for the sake of friendship.

[itches]

Addendum about the movie:

Johnny Kepp = Yes.
Pirates of Pelagus = Yes!
Cap'n Jack Aven = Mmmmmmmm yes!

[itches]

Idiot
n.
A foolish or stupid person.
A person of profound mental retardation having a mental age below three years and generally being unable to learn connected speech or guard against common dangers. The term belongs to a classification system no longer in use and is now considered offensive.
Larissa "Amicula" Avinger


I am such an idiot. I went back to mine and Robyn's room between classes for something and I just opened the door and walked in not thinking anyone was going to be there, I was wrong. She's usually at a class at that time of day so I don't know why she was there, but Robyn was. Changing - that is - naked. And I walked in on her.

That wouldn't be all that bad, we've been rooming together for a while now and things happen. But when I saw her I kinda, well, stood there checking her out. I'd seen her in swimmers plenty of times before, so I had a pretty good idea of what she looked like naked but it's not the same thing, and she's very cute. I had a brain freeze of some sort where I stopped thinking. Sure if I'm going to check her out - and damned she does have a good body - then I know to do it discreetly. Instead I just stood there like a moron perving on her.

Ugh, idiot idiot idiot idiot! She turned and saw me ofcourse, because I was just standing there like a bloody idiot! I just panicked and ran out of the room, I didn't know what to do. She probably thinks I'm some sort of pervert now. Stupid Ami, Stupid!

[itches]

Okay, so maybe I over reacted a little in my last entry. When I came back to the room this evening Robyn was there but didn't say about what happened or seem to be acting weird. I think we're pretending that it never happened, which I'm more then happy to do. Pretending things are normal is what I'm good at after all.

Still I think I'll avoid going down to the pool with her anytime soon.

[itches]

Nightmares. 4am, I'm not going to go back to sleep after that. I can't, they're driving my crazy. What did I do to deserve this? I just wanted to be normal and happy but I'm not allowed that. I'm not even allowed to sleep in peace.

The nightmare started back before Jordan was hit by the car. We were walking along the side walk and I knew something bad was going to happen but I couldn't remember what. I tried to say something could I couldn't do that either. I was stuck watching in horror as the car came skidding around the corner, helpless to do anything to stop it. I held him in my arms again as he sly dyeing, trying to stop the bleeding, crying out for help that wouldn't come in time. It wasn't horrible going through that the first time, a second was almost unbearable.

Ugh, I'm crying all over the place. Nice journal Amicula, did you add the snot and tears yourself?

It was after that, that things changed. Instead of dyeing, he pushed me off him, got up and walked away. I tried to follow, confused, happy and relieved that he wasn't dead but he ignored me and kept walking. When he was in the middle of the road the world took a blue tinge, he turned to looked at me and suddenly we were surrounded by people. I couldn't work out what was going on, but I could feel him hate me so strongly it made me wince.

It was then that I worked out what was happening. I had lost control of my powers, I could see discarded cans and bottle - trash - flying around the circle of people around us like we were in an eye of some huge vortex of wind. The blue was from my eyes and just like when they first appeared I could see/hear/feel/know what everyone was thinking about me. That much hatred is like being surrounded by fire, close enough that the heat is unbearable without actually hurting.

Jordan never said anything, but he didn't need to. He hated me, thought I was a monster. Accused me of destroying everything we had had together. That I wasn't even Larissa anymore, I was a thing that called itself Amicula and had her face. That it would have been better if he had never met me, at least then he'd still be alive. At least then he wouldn't have loved someone that would betray everything they had had before his body was cold. I realised at that point that I knew the people who had surrounded us, every single one. They were the people I've slept with since Jordan's death.

So many people, guys, girls, couples. Some with faces half blurred from my memory, ones I couldn't give a name to because I didn't even stop to ask them that much! He was right, I had betrayed everything he and Larissa - I - once had. The girl I once was would have been disgusted with the things I've done, and those I had done it with. I murdered pure, nice, good, innocent Larissa as much as Jordan was killed. And for what? A life of misery as an outcast and monster.

I say all I want is to be happy but I don't deserve it because I don't try to get it. All I do is fuck up my life, complaining about things that I just make worse and worse. Jordan is right, Larissa is dead, all that's left is a monster like me. An inhuman monster called Amicula who spreads pain, misery and invites others to hurt and hate her as a way to self vilify.

The dream continued with all the people around us calling out the things I had done, the ... the crimes I had committed. I tried to defend myself, to explain, to do anything. But all I could do was stand there being overwhelming by the hatred and spite washing over me from all sides.

For once I'm glad that during a nightmare my powers go out of control, as I was woken by the noise all of the books flying off of our bookcase. I have no idea how Robyn slept through it, bit I quickly cleaned everything up so she wouldn't know anything was wrong.

[itches]

Well my last entry was very emotional overly dramatic, fucking nightmares. I've reached a decision, I'm skipping my classes today.

Robyn was up at an ungodly hour as always for her swimming and realised pretty much straight away that I had been crying and something was wrong because I wasn't wearing my sunglasses. She actually offered to blow off her training which considering how dedicated she is to it, is a fair indication of how worried she was. I told her I'd had a nightmare - without getting into details - and just needed to calm down before sending her off. She's a good friend.

So instead of going to class today I'm going to get a bunch of chocolate and try to OD on it. While doing that I'm pulling out all of my favourite movies that end tragically and watch them non-stop. Seeing other people suffer always puts me in a good mood. Then when Robyn get's back from classes I'll persuade her to head/sneak into town with me where there shall be spending of father's money. He's going to help cheer me up whether he wants to or not.

[itches]

I've been thinking. Jordan is dead, that's never going to stop hurting but it is the way things are. Jordan is dead, I'm not. He may not have approved of the way I'm living my life right now or who I've become. The person I used to be - 'Larissa' - may not have either. But I'm not that person anymore, Jordan isn't here anymore. I've been through things that neither of them could have ever understood, I've become ... well I don't even know what I am now.

All I know is that I'm alive and I intend to stay that way. Jordan is in the past. He's dead. If I keep holding onto what he would have thought, what he would have liked, what he would have wanted, then I'm not living. If I lived in the past I'd be every bit as dead as he is right now. In my nightmare he accused me of killing Larissa, but that's not what happened. Larissa is dead, that's true, she was lost somewhere between Jordan's death and when I was cursed with these abilities. But it wasn't me that killed here, I didn't make these things happen and I'm not to be blamed for it.

I'm not Larissa anymore, if I were I'd have died long ago. I'm Amicula. While I don't know what exactly she is, I do know that I'm alive and that I intend to stay that way. And if you're not enjoying life you might as well be dead.

[itches]

Breath escapes through moist lips
parted with passion
Hands travel over bare hips
touch turned ashen
Promise whispered in an ear
words of forever
Eye sets free a tear
toll of never

[itches]

I need to start excising, or dieting or both. I havn't been paying attention to what I've been eating since I came here and now my clothes are starting not to fit. I'm sure that if I talked to Robyn about it she could help me come up with some sort of exercise regime, and while I do enjoy certain sports such as swimming, I enjoy them as a spectator not a participant. Besides which, I really don't need the humiliation that would come from me trying that, and would I even be able to wear my shades?

Yeah, exercise isn't going to happen. Which leaves diet. In my experience most diets involve trying to force yourself to eat shit food and quite a few seem to have an unholy alliance with math which I dislike enough in class. Say there's an idea - if I went on one of those diet that requires you the calculate the square-root of the calories of everything you eat, times Pi - could I count it towards extra credit towards my grade?

I think instead I'll just go for the simple approach for this one. For a couple of weeks I'll cut back to eating only one meal a day, which should be enough to stop me from gaining anymore weight and losing enough. After that I'll return to normal enough meals, but just pay more damn attention to what I'm eating.

Now it's just a question of which meal I eat: Breakfast, Lunch of Dinner.

[itches]

I'm in shock. My world view has been shattered. What I once considered truth are lies, while lies become truth. My idols are false, my heroes shams and reality cracks under the weight of paradox. Robyn listens to a band that doesn't suck!

I like Robyn and she is a good person, but when it comes to matters of fashion and music she has about as much taste as my my cousin's pet Rinki. Actually that might be an injustice to the rat, it's actually fairly cute and a clever little thing. I wonder how it's going. Normally Robyn's music consists of stuff that is annoyingly bland and mainstream, and while she is considerate enough to not play it loudly I'm still very thankful that I have my MP3 player.

Yesterday while we were trying to study she put on a CD but my MP3 player was out of charge so I braced myself to suffer through what-ever tripe she put on, only she put on some ambient music band that was actually pretty good. I snuck a glance at the CD later when she wasn't looking and did some digging, it turns out that somewhere, somehow, Robyn found a band that's pretty far outside the realm of popular music.

I appear to have horribly misjudged the poor girl, while most of her fashion and music sucks, she has at least a touch of good taste in there. I must find a way to nurture this!

A week and a half in and my diet is doing fine, I'm cheating on it outrageously but because it's so strict I can do that and still lose the weight I want to. After all, a good diet like a good budget is designed to allow you to go over without destroying it. Of course I'll have to keep doing it for longer then I first thought, but oh well.

[itches]

People
With hatred they sow
Blind
Where-ever they go
Pain
Until you never say no
My Heart
Cold as new winter's snow

[itches]

Robyn was hurt at swimming.

She started bugging me last week about going down with her when she swims sometimes, I think she misses the company. Anyway the swim team were having a mock swimming competition amongst themselves - so they have some idea of what to expect when the real thing happens I guess - and she finally convinced me to go down and watch for that. At the start of one of her races she got up onto one of those driving block things and slipped off, falling into the pool.

At first it seemed funny, but then she was having trouble keeping her head above water and for a moment I thought she was going to drown. Luckily Steven, one of the guys on the swimming team realised what was happened and jumped in. It's quite likely that he saved her life. I have no idea what I had intended to do, but I was at the poolside by the time Robyn was pulled out.

She seemed shaken up but mostly okay, just complained about her foot hurting and when she tried to stand up she couldn't put any weight on it. Steven and I helped her hobble down to the school medbay and it turned out she just has a sprained ankle. She's going to have to use crutches for a few weeks and take a break from swim training, but that's it.

She's going to be fine, I know that but I can't stop shaking. When I saw her struggling to stay above the water it seemed like everything that was happening with Jordan was happening all over again, someone I care about was going to die with me unable to do anything about it. It's doubly stupid because the two events are nothing alike, Jordan actually died and Robyn is okay. And while Robyn is a really good - truthfully my only - friend, I was in love with Jordan.

I don't know. Maybe I just need to try and stop thinking about it.

[itches]

I'm thankful for what Steven did - I really truly am - I have thanked him a number of times for potentially saving Robyn's life, but he is really starting to bug the hell out of me now. He keeps showing up at our room to "check up" on her and wants to hang out with us - and that's an "us" that doesn't include me, I'm feeling like a third wheel with my best friend.

To make it worse there's nothing I can do about it, after what he did Robyn seems to think he is some sort of damn hero. Okay truthfully he might be, I'm big enough a person to admit that so I can't tell him to fuck off. Maybe when he see's that Robyn isn't really interested in him that way he'll lose interest and finally leave us alone.

[itches]

Goddamn it Steven leave us the alone! I can't believe Robyn can't see what he is up to, always wanting to be around her and buying her candy and shit. I mean chocolate, how can you not understand what that means?! He "offered" it to me too, a paper-thin disguise. The evil little prick even found another way to get at her, it seems they both like some pop-crap group called Heavenlee Connection or something and Robyn mentioned yesterday that she had never been able to find out of their albums.

Surprise surprise he turns up this morning and just happens to have a copy! They listened it and then decided to head out for lunch together. I was invited of course, but no thanks, I know what I'm not wanted. She has to be able to see that he is interested, so why doesn't she give him the shove? She couldn't actually like someone who will pull such pathetic stuff like that ... could she? He did save her life ...

[itches]

Another nightmare, not as bad as they get but bad enough, if I don't write about it maybe I'll forget. There bookcase is empty and the picture of my parents I have got smashed, I'll need to think up an excuse to explain that by morning because there is no way I can clean this all up now. I'm just thankful that my roommate sleeps heavily, sleep is one thing I won't be getting tonight.

[itches]

We've got a long weekend, three days without classes and every damn day Robyn and Steven have left together and not got back until late. They're practically spending every moment of the day together! I thought maybe that she didn't know what he is up to, but this is ridiculous. She must like him too, why else would she spend so much time with him? I bet they're out there night now fucking each other, I bet they've been doing it for ages, even back before he saved her and now they just have the chance to be open about it.

Ugh the very thought makes me feel sick, I hope the fucking slut catches an STD and her tits rot off!

[itches]

Ooooh no. Oh no this is not happening. This is just, I mean, it can't. Looking over the last few entries, I can't believe how angry I was for no good reason. Looking at them calmly and forgetting that it's me and things almost seem like ... I was jealous. But of what?

Then it hit me. Everytime I think of her I start to get a weird feeling deep down in my stomach. When I'm not around Robyn I find myself thinking about her constantly and looking forward seeing her, I go halfway across the school and well out of my way between classes just so we can pass each other in the halls. When she walked into a room and speaks to me the sound of her voice makes my heart jump and flutter. Yesterday my hair was being terrible and wouldn't stay out of my face, and just randomly during the day Robyn reached over to brush it aside with her fingers. After that I couldn't talk, think, anything for the rest of the day, the memory of her touch of my face was just too much.

I like Robyn!

I've always known in an abstract sort of way that she was attractive, she's a pretty and keeps in shape from her swimming, but this is more then just physical attraction. I like like her.

This is so not good. She's my best friend and my roommate for crying out loud! If she ever found out she'd freak and never speak to me again. I haven't like liked anyone since Jordan, maybe this is just a phase, some passing little crush. That has to be it, I can't like Robyn.

[itches]

Cold Coffee

At the dawn, cold light washes the sky
From the bed, cold people rise to life
In the mug, cold coffee waits to be drunk
From a heart, warmth kindles from a spark of love

[itches]

Just when you think people can't get more annoying, you realise just how misplaced any amount of faith in humanity is. Moral of the story, always expect the stupid.

It's Dateless Awareness Day soon, the stupid romantic day that was just invented to sell cards and crap chocolate. For some reason one of the idiots at school decided it would be a good idea to hold a school "dance", I think so people don't go off and organise their own parties where they will give in to the evil-hormonal-urges. Good luck with that, I don't care and I know of three after parties already.

It's not the fakeness of the day that is annoying me, or even the concept of the lesser beings I share a school with going at each other - as horrifying as that thought is. It's Robyn and Steven. He's not even good enough for her, but she can't see it. I bet it's hard to tell what someone looks like when you're shoving your tongue down his throat. But they're going to be all happy and obliviously obnoxious together all damn day while I don't even have a date and it's going to drive me INSANE.

Amicula is not pleased.

[itches]

I need to do something. I'm not going to just sit around and do nothing about the whole stupid situation, that isn't who I am. I'm not going to just let things happen to me, I need to take control. Control!

I just need to work out how go about that.

[itches]

I need to write this down to see if I'm crazy for even thinking it.

Robyn likes Steven and can't see what he is like because she is blinded by the fact that he pulled her from the pool. I'll give him credit for that, but the guy is still a sleaze and she needs to see it. So how do I prove it? Well guys like him - guys in general - will jump at a chance to have a go at another girl, so I need to get him to do so where Robyn will see him.

The dance is the perfect place for that. And Elica from Mod-History could be the right girl, hot but quiet and doesn't have a boyfriend. I work with her in class sometimes and she's a nice girl, so I'll have to find a way to get her to come onto him or try to kiss him or something without her knowing what is really going on.

I don't know, maybe I am crazy for thinking of doing this. And crazier for thinking that it could work.

[itches]

There's no turning back now. I spoke to Elica after class today and convinced her to go to the dance. I convinced her that someone was going who wanted to go with her, but they were too shy to just come out and ask her. I couldn't tell her Steven's name either in case she tried to talk to him before hand. I haven't had a conversation that awkward or strained since Mother-Dearest tried to talk to me about birth control.

"Elica," I said when I finally managed to find her alone, suddenly so nervous that she would see straight through me that I couldn't make eye contact. "Are you going? To the dance tommorow I mean."

"I don't know," she replied with a strange expression I saw when I stole a glance at her face. "Why?"

"I know someone - a friend - who was wondering if you were going. I mean, with someone."

"Your friend was wondering that? Does this person have a name?"

"They ... they don't want you to know it," I said growing more nervous and fidgeting. "They're shy about stuff like this."

"I see," Elica said with what almost looked like a smile. "This mystery friend of yours is too shy to just come out and ask me if I would go to the dance with them, so they wanted you to ask for them?"

"Yeah," I said kicking at the ground with my boots. "So uh, will you?"

"I don't know Larissa-"
"-Amicula-"
"-If I don't know who they, how will I be able to go with them?"

"Oh that's easy," I said with a wave of a hand. "I'll go with you and point them out once we're there!"

"Okay," she laughed for some reason, touching my shoulder for a moment. "I admit I'm interested. Tell your friend that it's a date."

I could barely look straight at her during the conversation I was so worried she would see I was lying! But it's done, she'll be at the dance, Robyn and Steven will be and the dance. Now I just need to go, wait for the right opportunity to put her and him together and uh ...

Find something to wear! Shit!

[itches]

It's shameful that I enjoy shopping as much as I do, as stereotypically crass consumerist as it is. But sometimes - especially when I have Father Figure's credit cards - it's very fun. When you have to find a dress at the last minute isn't one of those times, I need to make a note never to do that again.

Less then an hour until I'm meeting Elica for the dance, all I can think about is all the things that can go wrong. Still atleast I look great, even if I do say so myself.

[itches]

Wow. That did not go according to plan. Still ...

I met Elica before the dance and was forced to admit that she looked rather hot in her dress. Unfortunately I admitted it out loud, slight embarrassment there but nothing compared to what was coming later. Robyn and Steven weren't there when we arrived so we hung out, talking and making free use of the mysteriously spiked punch.

After a while they still hadn't turned up so we decided to dance a bit, which drew a few looks but I was fucked if I cared. Sure I won't dance normally - the alcohol may have had something to do with it, but the music wasn't totally horrible so I just let go and did it.

It was ... fun. I stopped thinking, stopped worrying, stopped trying to remember the pain, stopped trying to remember that I was different. I let Elica lead me out there, and surrendered my self control. I shut my eyes, I ignored the world and let the music run through me, moving me. The freedom was exhilarating.

The release went beyond words, a frantic energy I didn't even know I held flowed from me. Alone without being isolated, an individual encircled by a mass of energetic humanity that acted both with and without me. I don't know how much time passed before I opened my eyes, but Elica was right there when I did, next to me, moving in a self contained frenzy that matched my own in perfect harmony.

She saw me looking at her, the embodiment of an intoxicating, beautiful abandon that stole my breath, and we moved as one. Hair, flesh, minds were wild in electricity from the delirious tempest of music and heat that surged around us, forming the eye of our own personal storm. And in that perfect moment of wanton surrender, I kissed her.

Maybe I'm over stating it. Maybe I'm still drunk, it being an early hour of the morning. All I know is that I had to get this down on paper while the memory was still fresh. I don't know how long we were like that before we slipped out of the dance and made our way back to my dorm. Tomorrow in the harsh light of day I may not feel this way, beset by renewed anguish and the ever present burden of my dissonance. I may regret having let go, the choices I made, consequences thereof.

But day has yet to come, it is still night and I - for now - am free.

[itches]

As I write this I find two things abundantly clear. The first is that hangovers bite ... bite a lot with ... teeth and everything. Ugh. The second - I'm very pretentious when drunk. I'm tempted to tear out the previous entry and pretend I never wrote it.

In fact pretend I didn't have fun, dancing, in public. I just know there is going to be karmic backlash from this, how am I going to deal with Elica? I'll need to get ready for it ... once the hideous sun stops burning so damn bright.

[itches]

Backlash ... wow okay. That was both better and much, much worse then I expected.

Elica was the easy part. I went to talk to her and she cut me off before I could even start, saying that she had fun and enjoyed last night but wasn't looking for a girlfriend right now and "could we still be friends." It's the first time I've been on the receiving end of one of those talks, I don't know why guys seem so upset about it.

Still bullet half dodged, it turns out that Elica is notoriously out of the closet and I must have been the only one in this damn school who didn't know. So now everyone saw us at the dance and even I'm picking up on the rumours that are flying around. I don't know how everything got so out of control so fast, the entire night is still a blur to me.

I was worried that Robyn would hear one of the rumours and think she is rooming with a lesbian, but turns out that's not a problem. She won't need to hear one of them, she was there!

From what I've worked out Steven made a move on her before the dance, but she wasn't interested (which I don't get, the way she was almost hanging off him all this time). She showed up, upset and looking for me, only to find that I was practically groping my "date" in public.

Gods what a mess. I tried talking to Robyn but she wouldn’t even make eye contact with me, let alone sit down and chat. What the hell am I going to do now?